Earlier today, internationally-known curmudgeonly douche nozzle Donald Trump offered President Barack Obama a deal in the form of an internet video entitled "Major Announcement." After the whole birth certificate episode of a couple years ago, the Donald thought that his name had been out of the papers for long enough and decided to remind us all of what an irrelevant fucking asshole he is.
The following is a totally unofficial yet ridiculously accurate translation of what he said:
Donald: President Obama is the least transparent president of this country.
translation: BARACK OBAMA IS BLACK! HE IS THE LEAST
WHITE PRESIDENT OF ALL OUR WHITE PRESIDENTS! WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN AND
WHY COULDN’T I HAVE PAID SOMEONE TO FIX THIS?!??!
Donald: We know very little about our president.
translation: HE’S BLACK!!! STOP TELLING ME HE’S A
HARVARD GRADUATE! HE COULDN’T BE; HE’S BLACK!!!! I REFUSE TO BELIEVE
THIS NONSENSE! LOOK AT HIS SKIN!! LOOK AT HIS EVIL DARK SKIN!!
Donald: I’m very honored to have gotten him to release his long form birth certificate.
translation: I have no shame and make no apologies
for spending all of our precious time on stupid and inconsequential
bullshit because I’m a racist dildo.
Donald: (I’m just paraphrasing here) I will give $5
million with no strings attached to any charity of his choice,
just so long as he meets my very specific demands that in no way sound
like a kidnapper negotiating the release of the child I just stole
BECAUSE I AM A FAIR AND GOOD DISGUSTINGLY RICH PERSON and could not have
possibly just given these charities money for nothing.
Donald: If he releases these records, it will end
the question and, indeed, the anger of many Americans. They’ll know
something about their president.
translation: DID WE THINK IT WAS OKAY TO JUST ELECT A
BLACK PRESIDENT?! HE’S FUCKING BLACK!!! Surely, everyone is more upset
about that than the economy or reproductive rights or healthcare or
lgbtq issues or ANYTHING OF SUBSTANCE. I can’t be alone here. I’m not
racist; I just hate having a president who isn’t White… errrr..
Donald: (again, paraphrasing) So, all he has to do
to get this money is work for it, baby. Yeah. Earn this money. Put
your college records in a brown paper bag and deliver it at the pier no
later than 1am. Tell no one where you are going. Knock four times and a
man in a beige trench coat will be waiting. The password is “squeaky